As the year began, the term ‘Allies’ became part of our social language. The term refers to anyone who doesn’t have the problem that someone else has and can’t stand being left out.
Traffic safety continued to be an issue as we try to jam more and more vehicles into less and less space. Figuring out the traffic signs can be particularly daunting.
During a New Year’s blizzard, a frustrated driver on a congested on/off ramp gave up trying to figure out the traffic sign. He pulled his car over onto the shoulder and started to walk away. Before he left though, he took a picture of the sign.
The sign featured three diagrams. The one on the right showed a two lane route with an S-curve. The middle one showed three lanes looping in a full circle. The left one showed two lanes dividing up and heading back towards the other two.
He sent a copy of the picture to the Department of Highways asking “When you made this sign, didn’t anyone see a problem here?”
The Department of Highways sent him back a picture of a bus.
Last February, a man in Manitoba defended his chronic absenteeism from work on the grounds of Patriotism. He claimed that there are now so many national sports teams at so many levels that he just couldn’t support them all and still have time to work.
The sport of Mixed Doubles Curling continues to gain popularity with young people. Mixed Doubles lets one male and one female curl together as a team. Curling officials advertise it as the perfect date. Young men are assured to “get their rocks off”. And the young women can scream at their partner to “Sweep! Sweep!” and “Hurry! Harder!”
On this year’s religious front, Creationists have admitted that they do have at least one thing in common with Scientists. Both try to prove the science wrong.
However, the difference is that if the Scientist, after copious testing and retesting, cannot prove that their suspicions are wrong, they assume they are right. The Creationists, on the other hand, assume that if the scientists can’t prove themselves wrong, then there’s something wrong with the testing.
The Creationists further added that if scientists just accepted that the Creationist’s are right, they would get along just fine.
By the Spring, several prominent sports personalities had lost their jobs due to accusations of years past incidents ranging from racial slurs to physical and verbal abuse and just being downright mean. Just another example of ‘it’s never too late to get even’.
As summer got underway, police captured a notorious white supremacist. They found him naked and hairless trying to evade detection by hiding in front of a totally white wall. Upon his release, he vowed to start a new organization – The Brotherhood of the ‘kind of pale orangey-pink’.
There was a little confusion at a Federally-sponsored Summer Solstice Conference on Indigenous Rights when a person from the audience innocently pointed out that the word “indigenous” is a “European” language term used to describe a “European” concept that was not shared by people now calling themselves “Indigenous”. The person was escorted out of the building.
And in a related story, CBC Radio again won a national ‘Inclusion’ award for its continuing attacks on WHMs (white heterosexual males). In accepting the award, the head of CBC stated that they wouldn’t give up the fight until there were no WHM’s left on the planet. At the current rate, he expects this to occur by 2025.
Despite the efforts of various levels of government, gun violence continued to escalate in Canada. One expert explained the problem like this – “Some people just want to shoot other people!”
In the fall, the financial sector went abuzz about fears for a recession in 2020. Their fears are that they may not make enough money out of one.
Plebiscites continued to create concern. The continuing problem with plebiscites is that they oversimplify complex problems. Heck, even the word itself is too hard to spell.
Finally, despite yearning to get paid to snowboard or to play with computers, young people in Canada once again found that the most available jobs were for flipping burgers and asking whether people wanted to upgrade to a meal deal.
And they faced stiff competition even for those jobs … from Seniors.
After buying into conservative anti-union rhetoric for decades, many older workers are finally realizing that investing in personal RRSPs isn’t equal to having an actual pension.
One investment firm mailing clerk expressed her fears about the future by writing on the client’s year-end investment statements – “You want fries with that?”
Have the year you are going to have!
Sat K ( just one of The Possible Ks)
Top Religious Leaders Toasted.
Participants in a conference of the world’s top organized religions and potential wannabes were shocked this year when God popped in. Tossing around a few thunderbolts, God made it clear that God wasn’t supportive of religious fundamentalism.
Organizers of the conference, their clothes still smoking, made a joint statement apologizing for the violence that their teachings have caused throughout the centuries. The spokesperson ended the news briefing by stating “Apparently the Devil made us do it!”
LGBQT … XYZ
By November, the homosexual community had finally run out of initials to inclusively describe human sexual diversity. Apparently, in the end, it’s not with whom but with how many that is the issue. Finding the answer to this is also proving tricky. The debate is about whether the total number of sexual partners one can safely enjoy should be counted over a lifetime, a year or just one really fun weekend.
A Loss for Words
Social Activists and Ignorant Bigots alike were stunned this April when Scientists announced findings that definitively proved that “race” doesn’t actually exist. This resulted in the cancellation of untold rallies and protest demonstration by both the right and the left. Said a member of one notorious organization as he took off his hood, “I just don’t know what to say!”
Gotta Hand It to You
Sorry, Gamers. For the 10,000thyear in a row the world’s most popular recreational activity was masturbation.
Man of the Year
This year’s winner of Man of the Year is Makembe Yor. Makembe simply gets up each day and tries his best to be a good person, father, husband and friend. No celebration ceremonies are planned because Makembe is just too busy trying to make a living in hard times to attend.
In a related story, this year’s Woman of the Year had big boobs. The award was given by men with small balls!
This past fall, a “white” man representing all “white males” on the face of the earth addressed a large, mixed gathering of indigenous people. On that occasion he admitted to, pled guilty and accepted responsibility for all the evils of colonialism and white male privilege.
He said that white men were sorry that they had taken over someone else’s territory.
“Even if it was sometimes the result of themselves being oppressed and facing death and starvation back home,” he stated, “still doesn’t make it right.”
A lone indigenous male spoke up to say that he accepted the apology.
“You know,” he said, “Truth be told, way before the white man came, we ourselves were regularly warring against each other to try to increase our territories at the expense of others.”
The rest promptly jumped on him, beat him to a pulp and took his stuff.
And finally – Boom and Bust
At the stroke of midnight on July 1st, the United Nations formally declared the start of World War Three. The Director General explained, “The suspense of waiting was killing us.”
Three weeks of total destruction later, God appeared to clear away what was left and feed the cockroaches. God then started carbon-based life forms all over again, apparently for the fourth time.
Upon leaving God was heard to exclaim “Dumbasses!”
In February, Corrections Officials transferred a serial rapist from a male prison to a women’s prison. The inmate had demanded the transfer under the Human Rights Code as he considered himself “Trans”.
In March, these same officials abruptly cancelled a hearing to determine whether he was further eligible for a government-funded sex change operation.
Following an alleged incident in the showers, the “Head Butch” of the cellblock cut off his balls and carved him a new asshole.
Just one more example of “Be careful what you wish for”!
In other correctional services news, the federal government announced the building of a new prison. This facility will house the ‘victims’ of violent crimes. After all, the government sure can’t keep them safe on the outside.
The federal governments of Canada, Mexico and the United States finally agreed to a new Free Trade Agreement. There isn’t really much new in the agreement, other than the ‘opt out’ clause. This clause specifically allows any of the participants to immediately opt out of the agreement if they find that the average workers of any country are actually benefitting.
Fake News continues to be a problem. However, this may not be true.
Last spring also brought hopeful news on the environmental front. The ozone layer is now healing. Environmentalists claimed that this is a total victory for their side. Climate Change Deniers claimed it as proof that they were right all along.
Stocks in the tanning bed industry dropped dramatically.
In June, in a rare display of political awareness, chronically unemployed residents of Smitty’s Trailer Park marched on the legislature.
They showed up to demand their share of ‘white male privilege’.
It was a relatively peaceful affair until radical liberals appeared carrying signs stating that a beer strike was imminent. Two hundred people were injured in the stampede to get to the beer store before supplies ran out.
Over the summer, the newly elected female premiere of Manitoba began acting quickly to right some ancient wrongs.
She has appointed an all-female cabinet and she has started the process of changing the province’s name to Womanitoba.
Since her election, the province has experienced a marked decline in physical violence. However, the measures for passive-aggressive hostility are right off the charts.
In September, populist politicians around the world joined the call for stricter guidelines for self-driving cars. These cars are programmed to make split-second risk assessments on who to hit when collisions are unavoidable. The populist’s favour pre-emptive programming in which the cars hit certain people just because the cars fear that there might be a collision at some point, maybe.
The oil and natural gas industry has found a unique way to fight back against environmentalists and indigenous groups. They have reduced supplies to plastics manufacturers. Among other things, this has resulted in a 10-fold price increase to such things as credit cards, poker chips, new computer products and free syringes to junkies. Analysts are unsure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.
As of October, Marijuana is now legal in Canada. And the earth is still spinning on its axis.
With the rise in gun violence in Canada, citizens of a Toronto neighbourhood decided to deal with it in the Old West Way. They hired gunslingers to take back their community.
As usual, the end result saw townspeople climbing onto their rooftops with rifles to rid their community of the gunslingers they’d hired. Clint Eastwood will be making the movie version.
This past Fall, Conservatives proposed an addition to the Rights Charter – “the right to be your own boss”. Surprisingly Progressives supported the idea, stating that as Charter Rights apply equally to everyone, if everyone were their own boss, no one could boss someone else around. The Conservatives quickly withdrew the proposal.
And finally, taking a cue from the sports world, the Doomsday Clock is set to report milliseconds during the final minute of play.
And, no stoppage of play is anticipated at this time.
Have the kind of 2019 that you are going to have.
And to those who think it can’t get any worse, oh yes, it can.
Questions are being asked following yet another dismal result in universal standardized math testing for elementary school students.
One question: Are the poor results a matter of student aptitude or student attitude.
So they asked the kids.
Here are their top 5 responses in reverse order:
#5 – I maxed out in math in Grade 3, so stop bugging me!
#4 – If I pass, what could I get that I don’t already have?
#3 – Like, there’s a calculator on my smart phone, dumb-ass!
#2 – They’re eventually going to give me my high school diploma anyway.
#1 – How much more math do I need to know when I already know that I’m the fortieth in line for 5 jobs at the fast food joint.
In further educational news, the financial industry is demanding that kids be taught personal finance in schools. Their plan is to have the courses taught by actual financial advisors.
There should be plenty of teachers available. After all, there are plenty of cash-strapped financial advisors out there unable to retire due to following their own advice.
The other option suggested was just to have children assemble each morning in the unused gyms to chant “Capitalism is God’s Way”.
Recently, in an uncharacteristically undiplomatic display, U. N. Mediators spoke candidly to the leaders of both the Muslim and Jewish faiths.
They told them that the rest of the world are sick and tired of Jews and Muslims presenting themselves as the chosen people of the one and only true God.
Further they told the two religious groups to stop using their self-serving, self-justifying and self-created holy books to justify their actions.
Of course, neither the Jews nor the Muslims were listening at the time.
Again, on the religious front, a Superior Court Judge has ruled inadmissible any arguments made by Christian groups which cite the Old Testament.
The judge, a devout Christian herself, pointed out the obvious in stating that the example of the Messiah runs totally counter to the tenor of most of the Old Testament.
The Judge declared “Jesus wouldn’t have bought that bullshit!”.
Let’s face facts.
Within the space of a few years, we have gone from
“He didn’t even try to kiss me. What’s wrong with me? Is he gay or something?”
“He tried to kiss me. I want him fired and put in jail and I want a million dollars in PTSD compensation.”
In an effort to head off a future log jam in the courts, a member of the legislature suggested passing a law which would require the following:
All women must have on their person a special identification card to give to any male who approaches them.
This card will identify the specific physical, financial and behavioural characteristics of the men from whom they would accept sexual/romantic advances.
Public safety officials pointed to a fundamental flaw in the idea.
Research shows that, when asked, the ideal date described by most women fits the profile of a serial killer.
You have probably heard that the solution to pollution, overpopulation and rising consumer expectations world-wide is to move to another planet.
Nobody seems to mention that 8 billion people or more are not going to fit on that tiny space ship. Most of us are going to be left here to die.
Many environmentalists were stunned to learn this year that the leading cause of animal species extinction is farming.
Increased farming leads to both habitat destruction and, due to pest control, decreased food sources.
Farming kills more animals than hunting, sport-fishing and fossil fuel pollutants combined.
Officials are now considering instituting a limited hunting season on Vegans.
Social media died last winter and nobody noticed.
Following the death of her baby, a woman was sentenced to life in jail.
The woman had rejected mainstream medical treatment. She chose instead to focus on alternative healing practices. Despite her efforts, the baby died.
The question is what if the situation was reversed?
What would have happened and to whom had the baby died after mainstream medical practices had failed and alternatives not tried?
The presiding judge remarked “If a baby dies after due treatment by our accepted medical authorities, despite there being other potential alternatives, well, that’s the price one pays for living in a free and democratic society.”
Hurrying off to receive an award from the Pharmaceutical Association, the judge was heard to snicker, “When a fellow inmate sticks her with a home-made knife, let’s see how herbal medicines work then.”
The latest demand from Daesh/Isis is that they no longer be referred to as either Daesh or ISIS.
They wish to be known as the State Formerly Known as Daesh/ISIS.
Furthermore, following Prince’s example, they wish to be referred in symbol only. That symbol is an outstretched middle finger.
This past fall, the General in charge of the USA’s nuclear weapons program went before the media.
The General wished to reassure the people of the world that he will not fire nuclear weapons just because the President tells him to fire them.
I didn’t make this story up. This actually took place.
And that General is my nominee for Person of the Year.
And with that, things are looking up.
2018 couldn’t be any worse than 2017… could it?