Top Religious Leaders Toasted.
Participants in a conference of the world’s top organized religions and potential wannabes were shocked this year when God popped in. Tossing around a few thunderbolts, God made it clear that God wasn’t supportive of religious fundamentalism.
Organizers of the conference, their clothes still smoking, made a joint statement apologizing for the violence that their teachings have caused throughout the centuries. The spokesperson ended the news briefing by stating “Apparently the Devil made us do it!”
LGBQT … XYZ
By November, the homosexual community had finally run out of initials to inclusively describe human sexual diversity. Apparently, in the end, it’s not with whom but with how many that is the issue. Finding the answer to this is also proving tricky. The debate is about whether the total number of sexual partners one can safely enjoy should be counted over a lifetime, a year or just one really fun weekend.
A Loss for Words
Social Activists and Ignorant Bigots alike were stunned this April when Scientists announced findings that definitively proved that “race” doesn’t actually exist. This resulted in the cancellation of untold rallies and protest demonstration by both the right and the left. Said a member of one notorious organization as he took off his hood, “I just don’t know what to say!”
Gotta Hand It to You
Sorry, Gamers. For the 10,000thyear in a row the world’s most popular recreational activity was masturbation.
Man of the Year
This year’s winner of Man of the Year is Makembe Yor. Makembe simply gets up each day and tries his best to be a good person, father, husband and friend. No celebration ceremonies are planned because Makembe is just too busy trying to make a living in hard times to attend.
In a related story, this year’s Woman of the Year had big boobs. The award was given by men with small balls!
This past fall, a “white” man representing all “white males” on the face of the earth addressed a large, mixed gathering of indigenous people. On that occasion he admitted to, pled guilty and accepted responsibility for all the evils of colonialism and white male privilege.
He said that white men were sorry that they had taken over someone else’s territory.
“Even if it was sometimes the result of themselves being oppressed and facing death and starvation back home,” he stated, “still doesn’t make it right.”
A lone indigenous male spoke up to say that he accepted the apology.
“You know,” he said, “Truth be told, way before the white man came, we ourselves were regularly warring against each other to try to increase our territories at the expense of others.”
The rest promptly jumped on him, beat him to a pulp and took his stuff.
And finally – Boom and Bust
At the stroke of midnight on July 1st, the United Nations formally declared the start of World War Three. The Director General explained, “The suspense of waiting was killing us.”
Three weeks of total destruction later, God appeared to clear away what was left and feed the cockroaches. God then started carbon-based life forms all over again, apparently for the fourth time.
Upon leaving God was heard to exclaim “Dumbasses!”