Top Religious Leaders Toasted.
Participants in a conference of the world’s top organized religions and potential wannabes were shocked this year when God popped in. Tossing around a few thunderbolts, God made it clear that God wasn’t supportive of religious fundamentalism.
Organizers of the conference, their clothes still smoking, made a joint statement apologizing for the violence that their teachings have caused throughout the centuries. The spokesperson ended the news briefing by stating “Apparently the Devil made us do it!”
LGBQT … XYZ
By November, the homosexual community had finally run out of initials to inclusively describe human sexual diversity. Apparently, in the end, it’s not with whom but with how many that is the issue. Finding the answer to this is also proving tricky. The debate is about whether the total number of sexual partners one can safely enjoy should be counted over a lifetime, a year or just one really fun weekend.
A Loss for Words
Social Activists and Ignorant Bigots alike were stunned this April when Scientists announced findings that definitively proved that “race” doesn’t actually exist. This resulted in the cancellation of untold rallies and protest demonstration by both the right and the left. Said a member of one notorious organization as he took off his hood, “I just don’t know what to say!”
Gotta Hand It to You
Sorry, Gamers. For the 10,000thyear in a row the world’s most popular recreational activity was masturbation.
Man of the Year
This year’s winner of Man of the Year is Makembe Yor. Makembe simply gets up each day and tries his best to be a good person, father, husband and friend. No celebration ceremonies are planned because Makembe is just too busy trying to make a living in hard times to attend.
In a related story, this year’s Woman of the Year had big boobs. The award was given by men with small balls!
This past fall, a “white” man representing all “white males” on the face of the earth addressed a large, mixed gathering of indigenous people. On that occasion he admitted to, pled guilty and accepted responsibility for all the evils of colonialism and white male privilege.
He said that white men were sorry that they had taken over someone else’s territory.
“Even if it was sometimes the result of themselves being oppressed and facing death and starvation back home,” he stated, “still doesn’t make it right.”
A lone indigenous male spoke up to say that he accepted the apology.
“You know,” he said, “Truth be told, way before the white man came, we ourselves were regularly warring against each other to try to increase our territories at the expense of others.”
The rest promptly jumped on him, beat him to a pulp and took his stuff.
And finally – Boom and Bust
At the stroke of midnight on July 1st, the United Nations formally declared the start of World War Three. The Director General explained, “The suspense of waiting was killing us.”
Three weeks of total destruction later, God appeared to clear away what was left and feed the cockroaches. God then started carbon-based life forms all over again, apparently for the fourth time.
Upon leaving God was heard to exclaim “Dumbasses!”
In February, Corrections Officials transferred a serial rapist from a male prison to a women’s prison. The inmate had demanded the transfer under the Human Rights Code as he considered himself “Trans”.
In March, these same officials abruptly cancelled a hearing to determine whether he was further eligible for a government-funded sex change operation.
Following an alleged incident in the showers, the “Head Butch” of the cellblock cut off his balls and carved him a new asshole.
Just one more example of “Be careful what you wish for”!
In other correctional services news, the federal government announced the building of a new prison. This facility will house the ‘victims’ of violent crimes. After all, the government sure can’t keep them safe on the outside.
The federal governments of Canada, Mexico and the United States finally agreed to a new Free Trade Agreement. There isn’t really much new in the agreement, other than the ‘opt out’ clause. This clause specifically allows any of the participants to immediately opt out of the agreement if they find that the average workers of any country are actually benefitting.
Fake News continues to be a problem. However, this may not be true.
Last spring also brought hopeful news on the environmental front. The ozone layer is now healing. Environmentalists claimed that this is a total victory for their side. Climate Change Deniers claimed it as proof that they were right all along.
Stocks in the tanning bed industry dropped dramatically.
In June, in a rare display of political awareness, chronically unemployed residents of Smitty’s Trailer Park marched on the legislature.
They showed up to demand their share of ‘white male privilege’.
It was a relatively peaceful affair until radical liberals appeared carrying signs stating that a beer strike was imminent. Two hundred people were injured in the stampede to get to the beer store before supplies ran out.
Over the summer, the newly elected female premiere of Manitoba began acting quickly to right some ancient wrongs.
She has appointed an all-female cabinet and she has started the process of changing the province’s name to Womanitoba.
Since her election, the province has experienced a marked decline in physical violence. However, the measures for passive-aggressive hostility are right off the charts.
In September, populist politicians around the world joined the call for stricter guidelines for self-driving cars. These cars are programmed to make split-second risk assessments on who to hit when collisions are unavoidable. The populist’s favour pre-emptive programming in which the cars hit certain people just because the cars fear that there might be a collision at some point, maybe.
The oil and natural gas industry has found a unique way to fight back against environmentalists and indigenous groups. They have reduced supplies to plastics manufacturers. Among other things, this has resulted in a 10-fold price increase to such things as credit cards, poker chips, new computer products and free syringes to junkies. Analysts are unsure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.
As of October, Marijuana is now legal in Canada. And the earth is still spinning on its axis.
With the rise in gun violence in Canada, citizens of a Toronto neighbourhood decided to deal with it in the Old West Way. They hired gunslingers to take back their community.
As usual, the end result saw townspeople climbing onto their rooftops with rifles to rid their community of the gunslingers they’d hired. Clint Eastwood will be making the movie version.
This past Fall, Conservatives proposed an addition to the Rights Charter – “the right to be your own boss”. Surprisingly Progressives supported the idea, stating that as Charter Rights apply equally to everyone, if everyone were their own boss, no one could boss someone else around. The Conservatives quickly withdrew the proposal.
And finally, taking a cue from the sports world, the Doomsday Clock is set to report milliseconds during the final minute of play.
And, no stoppage of play is anticipated at this time.
Have the kind of 2019 that you are going to have.
And to those who think it can’t get any worse, oh yes, it can.