Welcome to Sat K’s Monthly
– a satirical slant on our silly society.
Happy 150th Birthday, Canada.
And Happy First Birthday, Sat K’s Monthly.
As we enter our 2nd year what will the future bring?
Well, we’re told that nowadays most people struggle to read anything longer than 140 characters. So Sat K’s Monthly needs to explore yet another medium. And hopefully we are going to make that medium extra large.
After this episode we are going to take the summer off to retool and come back this fall with the “podcast” version.
However, don’t just sit at home waiting for it. Like the star of an adult movie, it will come eventually.
In the meantime, you can get a regular dose of Sat K at our website the-possible-ks.com
Okay so, without further ado, here is this month’s episode.
Obligatory Content Warning:
Sat K’s Monthly is meant for a mature audience. Mature excludes anyone who figures their suburban street is a Formula 1 race track. Slow down. Neighbourhood streets weren’t paved for cars. They were paved so the kids can play on the road. I’m just saying!
Where Are We Coming From
For security reasons, we move around alot.
Sat K’s Monthly could be coming from virtually anywhere in the world or anywhere in the virtual world.
Like this episode may be coming from just behind that guy google-mapping your neighbourhood. What could be safer? Nobody is going to send a drone to blow that person away. That’s the person who’s helping the secret police and the terrorists find your home.
Oh, you didn’t know that? How much money do you think it costs to video the whole world in 3D? And who do you think is paying for all this?
Next time you street-level google your home, think about the movie Scarface, a drone missile heading your way, and the words “Say hello to my little friend”!
We May have the product for you!
And speaking of drones, we may have the product for you.
Try our new high-tech, state of the art, top quality yet affordable Home ADDS, Anti-Drone Defense System.
Maybe that new friend having coffee in your kitchen has been identified as a suspected enemy of the state. Or maybe that supposedly-secret electronic ballot that you cast is coming back to haunt you. Or maybe it’s all a clerical error. However the drone is on its way.
Don’t be collateral damage. Be prepared.
ADDS sets you up with your own fleet of defensive drones connected to our patented “Save My Butt” early warning detection system. It’s the same technology the pros use and that your taxes helped to develop.
The deluxe package also turns that defenceless kitchen of yours into a fully-functional bomb-shelter.
And for those of you who have you’ve lost your job to robotics, you can purchase our Bargain plan – a lawn poster featuring a Cross and an I love America sticker. The bargain plan is not available for overseas distribution.
This month’s “Could have been News!”:
As summer begins, food banks in the country’s largest city are already stretched beyond their limits. In response, The Mayor has offered free bus tickets to the homeless to the cottage community of their choice. That way the hungry can remain close to their normal sources of income.
The Mayor intended to provide free fishing licenses as well. Then she realized that, due to recreational boating, the waters in cottage country are devoid of fish.
Call to Action
– Supporting Sat Ks Cause of the Month
This month’s support opportunity for you loyal Satirical K followers arises from the continually increasing numbers of single people in their late 30’s who are looking for a suitable mate.
Really, … it’s too late for them.
However, it’s not too late for younger folks. So we have set up Sat K’s Computer Dating Service for Children aged 12 to 16.
Let’s face it, once kids reach puberty the next few years are a write-off anyways. Let’s get them matched before they start making the kinds of mistakes that we made.
Think about it.
If kids find a partner as soon as their hormones start to dance, there will be much less vandalism and incessant teenage moaning about life.
In today’s economic climate, this idea just makes sense.
There aren’t any real jobs available for young people so they might as well have their kids while they are in school. Co-op Day Care can be provided right at the school and when school is out, instead of causing you to miss work, they can babysit their own kids.
And when they have completed their education, their kids will be old enough to go to school and start their own families.
It is a win-win-win all the way around.
So don’t delay – talk to your neighbours and get those kids signed up at our website: www.it’s.not.exactly.arranged.marriages.but.its.darn.close.com
This Month’s Feature Post
S.K: Our guest today is Sid Hesheit, a heterosexual who grew up in what he calls a “closeted” homosexual community. Sid, explain.
Sid: Well, it had to be, didn’t it? I mean, most everybody was pre-occupied with showing that they weren’t homosexual, yet they really tried to keep the genders apart! And, like for no real reason, they were totally publicly anti-gay. After a while, you start to wonder, right? You know, that “methinks thou protests too much” stuff!
S.K.: So what was your childhood like?
Sid: It was pretty difficult. I knew even before puberty that I was attracted to the opposite sex. I liked girls, the way they looked and talked, everything about them.
Every time I got the chance I would try to play with the girls.
S.K.: I can imagine the problems that created! What was it like to play with boys your own age?
Sid: Stupid. I mean all they wanted to do was fart and pick their noses. And they took every opportunity to touch each other, although they called it wrestling. Yeah, right. If the girls wrestled each other, they called it something else.
And they loved showing each other their penises.
S.K.: How did your parents react to your being “different”?
Sid: My parents became really concerned. My Dad started taking extra measures to get me involved in “boy/boy” things like cub scouts and gender segregated little league stuff.
S.K.: How about your mom?
Sid: She tried to be understanding. She would buy me plaid skirts and say they were kilts. I can’t tell you how cold that was in wintertime!
S.K.: How did high school go?
Sid: Sports were okay. I was reasonably athletic and I liked the exercise. I hated the locker rooms though, again with the penis measuring crap and guys snapping other guys’ asses with wet towels.
Of course, in my teen years, the other guys started to pretend to like girls, even though they still preferred to spend most of their time with other guys. They called it “macho”. I call it sexual-repression.
As a result, they usually wound up mistreating the girls.
And remember, the girls had grown up playing with each other with female dolls and getting pleasure from combing each other’s hair. So they didn’t know how to handle a guy who actually liked them. They thought I was gay.
S.K.: Was there any professional help available?
Sid: My parents took me to a shrink. Apparently there wasn’t a category for me in his diagnostic book. So he made one up – Heterosexual Personality Disorder. There really wasn’t a medication for this but he prescribed some tranquilizers anyway.
S.K.: What would you say to others like you?
Sid: Just that it is okay to be you. Plus, let’s be pro-active.
If gays would just accept their gay-ness, this would be a much better world. Let’s speak out against homosexual denial. A good place to start would be to take the message to a gathering of religious fundamentalists. You can’t get anymore gay than that!
Otherwise find yourself a closet lesbian and go out looking for a female threesome. That way, at least somebody’s going to have a good time!
So that’s it for this issue of Sat K’s Monthly, just one part of Kevin Alan McGill The Possible Ks.
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