In lieu of January’s Monthly,
here are Sat Ks choices
for the Top Stories of 2016
Each January for the past two decades, the National Association of University-Trained Social Workers has featured a “diversity photo” on the front page of their Annual Review.
For the first time in twenty years, this year’s photo also included a white male!
Upon discovering this, their President apologized for the accidental mix-up, vowing that this will never happen again.
Animal rights, and a few lefts, too!
Also in January, Park Rangers at the “Scratch Where It Itches” Nature Preserve came upon a hunter being mauled by a mother bear. Allegedly, the bear took offence at the hunter taking a shot at her cub out of season.
The Rangers admitted that this wasn’t the first time that they had seen a bear attack a hunter. However, it was the first time that they saw a group of the other animals cheering and giving each other high fives.
Going with the wind!
In March, the city of Blingkst in Western Russia completed their project of securely fastening rooftop wind turbines to every single building in the city – homes, offices, factories, sheds, garages, schools, stores, everything.
Then came the night of the really, really, really big windstorm.
The good news is that there is virtually no traffic congestion and all kinds of new farmland where the city of Blingkst in Western Russia used to be. The city is now 2000 miles away in Eastern Siberia where officials are trying to convert to solar panels instead.
A rose by any other name!
In April, some members of the Indigenous community of Grassy Straits petitioned the band council to change the name of their community.
For decades now, the folks of Grassy Straits have been dealing with unsafe levels of mercury contamination in their water supply. This was caused by inadequate environmental controls placed on mining companies. Over the years, the federal government’s response has been equally inadequate.
The petitioners want Grassy Straits to become officially known as “Yoo hoo, dumbass, we’re still here and the mercury is still making us sick.”
What would you expect!
Last May, scientists at the Geneva Space Exploration Foundation identified a planet in outer space with the exact atmospheric specifications and climate of planet Earth.
They immediate sent out an unmanned space probe to explore this option.
Shortly after launching, the probe picked up signals from an identical ship heading our way.
Apparently this planet is so identical to ours that, just like us, the inhabitants have made it unsuitable for living.
Being equipped with Artificial Intelligence, the probe decided “what the hell” and continued on its journey. It hopes to eventually meet up with the other probe and go somewhere that doesn’t have humans.
Last summer, scientists in India completed development of a machine capable of rendering cow farts harmless. As you may know, next to fossil fuels, cow farts are the leading cause of ozone-depleting methane gas.
Unfortunately, this new fart rendering process takes about 15,000 litres of oil per day.
Do you see what I see?
In August, claiming religious freedom, Eleonora Poods refused to follow her local town’s “stoop and scoop” bylaw. She claimed that her dog’s droppings resembled one of the Apostles.
In related news, Sister Maria Conchita Vasquez Rodrigues of Columbia threw up on the Pope.
Getting your Priorities straight!
Once again this Fall, a large cross section of representatives from the major world religions came together to discuss and debate weighty ecumenical issues. Topics ranged from abortion to the necessary standards of modesty in women’s clothing, from gay marriage to the nature of the afterlife.
Representatives from the Salvation Army made themselves useful by staying in the kitchen and making soup for everybody.
It’s the law!
2016 saw the “A Law” come into force in Canada.
The A Law is similar to those “justifiable force” laws in some US States. Those laws allow the use of lethal force if you feel in fear for your safety. Apparently that means that in those states you can shoot a black man any time that you want and you don’t even have to have a badge.
Following that model, now any woman in Canada can hit her husband or boyfriend with a frying pan without fear of legal penalty. All she has to do is cite the A Law and say “Well your honour, he was an a**hole!”!
There have been no constitutional challenges to the law as yet as in every case so far it was hard to argue he wasn’t.
Senior Women’s Lessons from Experience (formerly known as Old Wives Tales!)
And speaking of apologies, this was another banner year for PCFs (Power and Control Freaks) demanding apologies for any perceived slight.
We all know the old childhood “Senior Women’s Lessons from Experience” saying “Step on a crack and break your mother’s back”.
Well, an organized group of PCF’s made six-year old Suzy Minak apologize to all mothers. On her way home from school, Little Suzy accidentally stepped on a sidewalk crack. Suzy was not only forced to apologize, she was also ordered to take sensitivity training and to stay off sidewalks for 6 months.
Funeral services for Suzy were held soon thereafter due to being hit by a truck while walking on the road.
The driver of the truck apologized.
In the first-ever democratic elections in the Middle-east Caliphate of Saudi bin Laden, Al Fatwa El Mundo was elected President.
Al campaigned on a platform of bringing Sunny ways back to the region. Whoops, make that Sunni Ways. He also promised to cut taxes while increasing spending, to stop the use of foreign camels, to build a wall around every oasis and to make Saudi Bin Laden Great Again.
Upon hearing that he had won, Al commented “Frig me! I guess that shit works everywhere.”
And finally, Faux Fur Flying
Fake news stories were all the rage this year. The more outrageous they were, the more they were believed.
So Sat K wants you to know that all the above stories were 100 percent true.
This disclaimer is not FYI (For Your Information). It’s YFI.
All Sat K could think of when he heard what some of you actually believed was YFI – You Freaking Idiots!