Welcome to Sat K’s Monthly,
a satirical slant on our silly society.
Sat K’s Monthly is meant for a mature audience. That excludes anyone who continues to eat popcorn or other noisy food after the movie has started … I’m just saying.
Where Are We Coming From
For security reasons, each month Sat K’s Monthly comes from a different location in the virtual world.
Right now we are at The DAESH Café. This week’s special is their famous Suicide Kabobs, 50 percent off for infidels and women without burkas. So hot, they guarantee that you won’t be coming back for seconds.
We May have the product for you!
Say are you a Soccer Mom or a Family Man? You are driving around in a mini-van or family SUV. Yet inside, you have the soul of a Formula One racing car driver?
Well, we may have the product for you
It’s our high-tech, state of the art, top quality yet affordable Van Surround.
Just like the idea of putting a plastic molding over your old bathtub, Van Surround fits snuggly over your regular ride’s existing interior.
Looking through the windows from the outside, other folks will see an individually-crafted 3D hologram of you and the kids going to shop at the mall. As you putt-putt past, all they’ll hear is a synthesized version of a chatty AM radio infomercial.
Inside, you are treated to the look, feel and sound of a super-charged Indy-car.
Your speedometer will show you racing along at 100 mph faster than you actually are. No AM radio for you. Inside, you hear the deafening roar of 800 screaming horses ramped up to over 200 miles per hour. Your cockpit will sound like you ripped your muffler off and shoved it up the noise control officer’s butt.
Never mind that boring new car smell, your nose will be treated to the heady scent of high octane gasoline, gungy motor oil and burning tires.
And to add to your virtual reality, Van Surround overrides your vehicle’s mamby-pamby shock absorbers. You’re all in for a bumpy ride as you feel every stone, pothole and small animal you hit along the way.
Van Surround, by the makers of similar products like Substitute Spouse and Model Child.
We make your lousy world bearable.
The News as We Want to See It
Highlighting this month’s could have been news, devotees of the world’s most rigid religious factions joined together to form a new multi-faith collective. They banned together so that their members could stop fighting amongst themselves and confront the real enemy – rational thought.
Calling themselves the Association of Serious Supporters of Evangelical Supremacy, A-S-S-E-S, they held a news conference last Wednesday.
However, no one showed up.
After all, as far as any of those ASSES go, we have heard it all before.
Call to Action – Supporting Sat Ks Cause of the Month
As you may know, we here at the Possible Ks pride ourselves on being open-minded. Most of the Possible Ks are so open-minded, it is like as if a gentle breeze is always wafting in one ear and unimpeded blowing out the other.
Here’s your chance to be part of fostering a world of open-mindedness.
Spend a few moments seriously contemplating each of these questions:
Why might someone take issue with allowing young pubescent males to hang around girl’s washrooms under the guise of expressing their personal gender identification.
Have there ever been historical instances wherein a democratically elected government acted in ways that might cause citizens to consider arming themselves against that government?
Is it within the realm of possibility that there is a power behind the creation of this universe capable of creating humankind without the intermediary steps from ape to man? Is it possible?
Doesn’t welfare sap the initiative of certain individuals and doesn’t the promise of reward lead others to effort and creativity?
Don’t women and men sometimes just want to be with members of their own gender? Is this in itself really all that wrong?
And finally, why are you willing to sincerely consider these issues when you know that the other side would dismiss your views without a seconds thought?
This Month’s Feature Post
We all know how bad a deal the indigenous people got.
However, suppose the story was told in retrospect by one of their own today at a dinner meeting of a local service club.
Here’s how I think that might go:
Hello everybody. Thank you for inviting me to this dinner.
Although you could have told me ahead of time that it was going to be vegetarian. I would have gone out for some venison or maybe a burger before I came.
My name is Buffaloed Wiseweasel.
I assisted a number of the tribes in their negotiations with the pale-skinned people from Europe, otherwise know as The People of the Sunburn.
And they called us redskins, sheesh!
I am here tonight to talk about the treaty negotiations from my point of view. I do not speak for all indigenous people. This is largely because, as their chief negotiator, many of them no longer answer my smoke signals, if you know what I mean.
I have to tell you that in some ways I am a little embarrassed about how the negotiations went.
In retrospect, we only saw the tip of the arrow and that’s why we got the shaft.
In negotiating you have to know whom you’re dealing with and frankly when it all began, we didn’t think these pale-skin folks were all that bright.
History shows that they didn’t even know where they were. They thought they were in some place called India.
For our people knowing where you are at all times is fundamental to surviving.
Otherwise you get lost.
You have to know where you are, so that you know where you’ve been and where you have to go to get back to where you were.
These pale-skins kept getting lost in the forest because literally they couldn’t see the trees.
Talk about no sense of direction?
They kept telling us that they were trying to get east and to do that they went west. If we wanted to go east, we went east.
And then they told us about going north and being surprised by all the ice and snow up there. What did they expect to find – coconut tress?
They just didn’t seem very practical.
No matter where they went, they wanted to dress the same, eat the same, and live the same as they did back home, north, south, west, but not east, they couldn’t find east.
And look at how they fought?
They’d just stand there in the open, waiting for someone to shoot them.
How can a people survive thinking like that?
We kept telling them to get behind a tree like we did.
But no, they’d just go marching forward seeing how many bullets they could survive.
Not very bright, if you ask me!
And remember, many of them told us they left home because things were so screwed up back there.
So yeah, based on our first contacts, we didn’t think they would survive for long.
And maybe that made us a bit cocky. We were the top dog here. These newcomers were just yappy little puppies, barely longhouse trained.
And maybe we got a little greedy, too.
We were getting hooked on consumer conveniences, all the time telling ourselves that we weren’t hooked, that we could go back to the old ways anytime we wanted
I mean, the pale-skins had some pretty neat consumer articles – not just guns and booze, but needles, and iron and steel stuff, and wheels – all kinds of things you can do with wheels
And easy ways to make fire.
You know how much time we use to spend trying to make fire rubbing two sticks or scratching two rocks together?
And this thing called paper.
One thing I would do if I had it a chance to do it all over again, learn more about paper. It looks so flimsy, yet it became the most powerful weapon they had.
Anyways, we figured that we’d help them out a bit, provide them a thanksgiving dinner, some blankets and warm boots, show them around, let them do a little hunting and gathering in return for some of those neat consumer goods and a little help fighting our neighbours.
Remember, they were supposed to be leaving. They were just passing through.
Their goal was the east – west, whatever.
Then at some point, they decided to stay.
And that’s when it all went south.
The negotiations really weren’t about trade anymore.
They weren’t looking to rent. They were looking to own.
And they weren’t about to pay market value.
And we really didn’t have a cultural mechanism for this.
I mean, if somebody needed a teepee, the family just cut down some branches and wrapped some hides around them.
And nobody ever sold land.
We had trackers and warriors and shamans and healers and women. There were no real estate agents in tribal culture.
The only way you could get land from somebody else was to take it by force.
Which is exactly what the pale-skinned folks did.
But, and here’s the rub, they just couldn’t be straight up honest about it.
We could understand the cannons and rifles and swords.
We couldn’t understand the paper.
And, looking back on it, this was because the paper was meant to hide the truth, not from us, from the pale-skins themselves.
They wanted to believe that something different was happening, that they weren’t like others.
There was lots of stuff that they didn’t want to believe about themselves, like how much like us they really were. And how many of them were themselves people who had been forced to surrender their own lands.
Maybe, if they could have been honest with themselves, then they could have been honest with us and things may have worked out differently. Maybe.
You know the game Monopoly? When you lose, you just fold up the board and go to your room.
When you play Monopoly in real life, you fold up your tents and go to the reservation.
We just didn’t understand the rules of this new game
Thank you and remember for next time, we still eat meat.
… So that’s it for this issue of Sat K’s Monthly, just one part of The Possible Ks family.