Welcome to the first edition of Sat K’s Monthly,
our satirical slant on our silly society.
Sat K’s Monthly is meant for a mature audience. That probably excludes anyone who thinks that killing people will somehow get them to heaven. I’m just saying.
Where Are We Coming From
For security reasons, we move around alot.
Sat K’s Monthly could be coming from anywhere in the virtual world.
Like this episode may be coming from The SPCA Diner “Feasting with Fido”, famous for their ecologically-efficient mystery meat submarines.
And check out their gift store for their new line of Mittens from Lost Kittens.
We May have the product for you!
Say, are you a male back-bencher?
You know, you got elected. Your party won. But you aren’t one of the party insiders.
So all you get to do is parrot the party line and vote as your told.
Sometimes you wish you could get yourself up on your feet and say something original or even meaningful.
Well, we may have the product for you.
It’s called The Balls-isizer.
The high-tech, state of the art, top quality yet affordable Balls-isizer uses the latest tension-sensing technology.
You place the patented self-adhesive micro-chip sensor on your testicles and attach the connecting sensor thread to your anus.
The micro-chip reads the build-up of tension in your body in response to bull-shit politics. When the build-up reaches a critical level, the chip flares off a direct shot of electricity into your anus.
That’s all there is to it. You will be up and speaking out in no time.
The Balls-isizer is now going for the low, low price of only one thousand dollars. Wow, that’s less than one small political kickback donation per month.
The Ballsisizer … Testicles not included.
This Month’s wish it were true news story comes to us from The Rock, no not the wrestler, the Canadian Province of Newfoundland-Labrador.
Earlier last month, a certain group of sea-faring eco-warriors took over an oil-rig off the coast of Newfoundland-Labrador.
Once aboard the rig, these environmental activists demanded that the crew turn over control of the rig to them. The crew, mostly workers from Newfoundland-Labrador, promptly said ‘okay’!!!
The crew then took off on the protesters Zodiacs.
They either boated home to visit the folks back on the Rock or went seal hunting.
The eco-warriors haven’t returned our calls. They are now too busy trying to keep the oil-rig afloat in order to avoid causing an oil-spill.
Call to Action – Supporting Sat Ks Cause of the Month
This month, we want you to get out there and help out the endangered Monarch Butterfly.
Now the continued existence of this beautiful and brave little creature demands that we plant more milkweed. And milkweed grows best in swampy conditions.
So you need to turn your neighbourhood into a swamp.
And what’s the best way to do this, you ask?
Just turn on those fire hydrants.
And don’t worry about there not being enough water left in case of fire emergencies.
Quite frankly most of our modern living environments need to be burnt down anyways.
So this month build a swamp, protect the butterfly and do your part for urban renewal.
This Month’s Feature Post
Good morning, eco-warriors.
Today’s lesson concerns humankind’s historical attitudes towards change.
Mostly, they are against it.
Historically, people only changed when faced with an immediate threat to their continued existence.
Maybe a volcano erupted, an earthquake swallowed the valley, there was a prolonged drought or the herd didn’t show up from its annual migration, things like that.
Occasionally, change was precipitated from being a little different from others and being invited by the ultra-conservative types to leave the village.
Mostly though, change happened because somebody bigger and nastier came around and demanded that you change.
This is true virtually since the dawn of mankind.
I think that process went something like this:
Okay, okay. Quiet down. As your people’s committee rep, I have some news for you.
Hibis, get down outa that tree!
No, we aren’t going back up there to live in the trees again.
We don’t have tails no more, our arms aren’t strong enough to swing through the branches and besides, since we learned how to make our own booze, we’d just keep falling down outa the tree.
Okay so, I have met with our new chief and as we suspected, this being our third invading horde since the dinosaurs disappeared, …
What’s that? Nah, they don’t know where the dinosaurs went either.
Though one guy kept going on about seeing this giant hand swooping down outa the sky and grabbing them all up and replacing them with a smaller more environmentally-friendly model that farted less.
But nobody else was buying that.
Anyways, as we suspected, there are going to be some changes.
Yes, there is going to be another new God. And yes the new chief sees himself as the earthly representative of that God.
No surprise there.
So we are going to have to learn some new rituals, when to bow, when to scrape, when to prostrate ourselves and in what direction relative to the sun.
Thankfully the new guys know how to write, so we won’t be expected to do all that memorization like with the last guys.
And, I was able to negotiate that the new religious observances are going to be held pretty well around the same time that we have been used to celebrating.
This new chief and his inner circle kinda recognize that gods come and go but holidays are sacred.
Now for you parents with young girls, it’s a total win for your side.
This group doesn’t do the sacrificing of virgin girls thing nor do they demand “service” from our girls upon their reaching puberty.
However, you young guys may want to stock up on some of Hibis’ special lube.
What can I say? These invading conqueror types always seem to have trouble getting dates voluntarily.
Now, as for dietary restrictions, this group doesn’t have any problems with pigs, cows, or any other kind of meat.
So our annual Pork Roast can be held in the open this year.
That will help us avoid last year’s forest fire. Though that fire did help us to get rid of the last invaders. So we might keep that in mind.
Unfortunately for me, having just bought a deep fryer and a pushcart as part of my retirement planning, they do have this thing against cooking cut-up potatoes in boiling hot grease.
So, if you are asked to cook for these guys, for god’s sakes don’t ask “do you want fries with that?”
They also have some funny ideas about clothing.
No Hibis, leave your pants on.
We still gotta wear clothes, even swimming, which I for one never understood.
Nah, it’s hats. The new chief says that the Creator believes that we should go bare-headed so that there is no barrier between our minds and God’s message.
So nobody other than the chief and his soldiers gets to wear head protection, which gives me to think that what they really believe is that there should be no barrier between our heads and their clubs.
And, of course, as expected, we have to give over most of our food and the things we make.
And we have to work in the mines to get the chief and his people metals to make shiny stuff.
Shiny stuff, that seems to be what these conqueror types are all about.
That and being able to execute somebody from time to time.
Hibis, I told you. Get outa that tree. They can still see you there.
That’s about it. Thank for listening folks and good groveling.
So that’s it for this issue of Sat K’s Monthly, just one part of the Writings of The Possible Ks family.