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Sat K’s Top Stories of 2017

Here are Sat K’s choices for

Top Stories of 2017

 

1 plus 1 equals ?

Questions are being asked following yet another dismal result in universal standardized math testing for elementary school students.

One question: Are the poor results a matter of student aptitude or student attitude.

So they asked the kids.

Here are their top 5 responses in reverse order:

#5 – I maxed out in math in Grade 3, so stop bugging me!
#4 – If I pass, what could I get that I don’t already have?
#3 – Like, there’s a calculator on my smart phone, dumb-ass!
#2 – They’re eventually going to give me my high school diploma anyway.
#1 – How much more math do I need to know when I already know that I’m the fortieth in line for 5 jobs at the fast food joint.

Dollars and Sense

In further educational news, the financial industry is demanding that kids be taught personal finance in schools. Their plan is to have the courses taught by actual financial advisors.

There should be plenty of teachers available. After all, there are plenty of cash-strapped financial advisors out there unable to retire due to following their own advice.

The other option suggested was just to have children assemble each morning in the unused gyms to chant “Capitalism is God’s Way”.

Telling it like it is

Recently, in an uncharacteristically undiplomatic display, U. N. Mediators spoke candidly to the leaders of both the Muslim and Jewish faiths.

They told them that the rest of the world are sick and tired of Jews and Muslims presenting themselves as the chosen people of the one and only true God.

Further they told the two religious groups to stop using their self-serving, self-justifying and self-created holy books to justify their actions.

Of course, neither the Jews nor the Muslims were listening at the time.

A fine example

Again, on the religious front, a Superior Court Judge has ruled inadmissible any arguments made by Christian groups which cite the Old Testament.

The judge, a devout Christian herself, pointed out the obvious in stating that the example of the Messiah runs totally counter to the tenor of most of the Old Testament.

The Judge declared “Jesus wouldn’t have bought that bullshit!”.

Legislating Immorality

Let’s face facts.

Within the space of a few years, we have gone from

“He didn’t even try to kiss me. What’s wrong with me? Is he gay or something?”

to

“He tried to kiss me. I want him fired and put in jail and I want a million dollars in PTSD compensation.”

In an effort to head off a future log jam in the courts, a member of the legislature suggested passing a law which would require the following:

All women must have on their person a special identification card to give to any male who approaches them.

This card will identify the specific physical, financial and behavioural characteristics of the men from whom they would accept sexual/romantic advances.

Public safety officials pointed to a fundamental flaw in the idea.

Research shows that, when asked, the ideal date described by most women fits the profile of a serial killer.

The Politics of Exclusion

You have probably heard that the solution to pollution, overpopulation and rising consumer expectations world-wide is to move to another planet.

Nobody seems to mention that 8 billion people or more are not going to fit on that tiny space ship. Most of us are going to be left here to die.

Oh.

Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit

Many environmentalists were stunned to learn this year that the leading cause of animal species extinction is farming.

Increased farming leads to both habitat destruction and, due to pest control, decreased food sources.

Farming kills more animals than hunting, sport-fishing and fossil fuel pollutants combined.

Officials are now considering instituting a limited hunting season on Vegans.

If a tree falls in the forest …

Social media died last winter and nobody noticed.

Double Standard?

Following the death of her baby, a woman was sentenced to life in jail.

The woman had rejected mainstream medical treatment. She chose instead to focus on alternative healing practices. Despite her efforts, the baby died.

The question is what if the situation was reversed?

What would have happened and to whom had the baby died after mainstream medical practices had failed and alternatives not tried?

The presiding judge remarked “If a baby dies after due treatment by our accepted medical authorities, despite there being other potential alternatives, well, that’s the price one pays for living in a free and democratic society.”

Hurrying off to receive an award from the Pharmaceutical Association, the judge was heard to snicker, “When a fellow inmate sticks her with a home-made knife, let’s see how herbal medicines work then.”

Symbols

The latest demand from Daesh/Isis is that they no longer be referred to as either Daesh or ISIS.

They wish to be known as the State Formerly Known as Daesh/ISIS.

Furthermore, following Prince’s example, they wish to be referred in symbol only. That symbol is an outstretched middle finger.

Are you nuts?

This past fall, the General in charge of the USA’s nuclear weapons program went before the media.

The General wished to reassure the people of the world that he will not fire nuclear weapons just because the President tells him to fire them.

I didn’t make this story up. This actually took place.

And that General is my nominee for Person of the Year.

And with that, things are looking up.

2018 couldn’t be any worse than 2017… could it?